The first month of 2021 has been a month full of confusion for me. I have a bad habit of keeping things bottled up until everything has cleared up which is why I have been lagging on writing any new posts. 

Sadly, everything is still muddy in my mind, but I’m hoping that by writing through this, it’ll provide some clarity. Thanks Ms Afro Penny for the much needed nudge to put my thoughts into words (or at least try) even when my thoughts are still jumbled up.

Without further ado, I introduce you to my biggest source of confusion which is the home buying process. Not only is the home buying process confusing as is but it has opened up a whole can of worms and led me down a path of overthinking, overworking, and ultimately guilt. 

To add to my month of confusion, January has also been a busy month at work and a busy month in my personal life. In summary, I am simply overwhelmed.

Home Buying

So where do I start? Let’s backtrack and start with my year end recap. One of my disappointments of 2020 was not reaching my goal of purchasing a home. So at the start of 2021 I made my plan clear to my family that I was seriously looking for one.

My idea of bringing it up was to not shock my parents when I do decide to move out. I had absolutely no intention of getting help from them.

I was under the impression that my parents want me to continue living with them and wanted to ease them into the idea that I’m actually ready to move out. What I didn’t expect was how much of a family affair my desire to buy a home would become.

I had played with online calculators on how much home I can afford, and what I’d likely prequalify for. I also had some ideas of the areas that I’d like to purchase in, but that was the extent of my home buying process.

I had been saving up for a down payment for the majority of 2020 and in all I had around about half of what would make a 20% down payment on the price point I’d been looking into.

Surprisingly my parents have been very supportive in my home buying dream. Too supportive, actually. I was given a lot of input on what they think I should buy (hint: a home that is way above my price point).

News soon spread to my sibling who has been quite successful in real estate in terms of making good investments on properties that increase in value and buying rental properties. All of a sudden I find myself being steered right and left, away from my original destination on the kind of home I want to buy.

My parents understandably want me to stay close to them and is eyeing for me to buy a home near them. They believe buying an expensive home in a good area will be for my own good when the home value rises. 

My sibling currently lives in the same area as my parents and believes I should buy a newly developed property nearby as they’ve seen their own home’s value rise over the years.

Long story short, before I know it, my parents have loaned me a huge amount of money (1.5x more than I had originally saved for my down payment) so that I’d have the down payment to afford the kind of home they think I should have. Repayment, of course, is expected.

Mind you, they don’t seem to be listening to my biggest concern which is not being able to make my monthly payments, but it seems I’m the only one worried about that!

I also don’t want to become house poor in the sense that I spend all my money on this fancy home, without any leftover money to invest in or to spend for fun. 

It doesn’t help that although the home I buy may gain in value, that value won’t be realized until I decide to sell.

When I brought up all these concerns it seems they think it would be a good idea if I bought a 3 bedroom (my original thought is max 2 bedroom home) so that they can rent out our current home and they would stay with me and pay me rent instead.

Their rent to me would essentially be reducing my debt to them.

I’m currently helping my parents pay $500 in rent money by living with them and they seem to think that money is critical so if I move out, there’s an extra gap in their mortgage payment. I can see where their proposed solution would make financial sense. 

Financially it is a win-win for all of us. I’d get to buy my home and reap the increasing home value while they still get rent money to pay their mortgage.

But buying this home with the expectation that I would finally have my own place with no roommates or parents is the fantasy I had. I’d even go as far as to say that it completely defeats the whole purpose of buying my own home if I had to still live with my parents.

While all these arguments are still going on, deadlines are quickly approaching for the newly developed properties and I have to make my decisions soon.

The timeline is much sooner than I had anticipated. I had planned to save for another 6 months to make up the other 50% of my down payment before I was going to make my decision, but now things are moving so fast.

Work

To add to the stress, work has been so busy. As a recap, I started a new job 4 months ago, and since then I have been dealt with more responsibilities. It is especially tiring since I have a couple of managers directly above me rather than just one and each of them have been looking at me to work on multiple projects.

On one hand I feel great that my managers think highly enough of me to place me into these projects that my other colleagues are not given the opportunity. On the other hand, I am just overwhelmed. And I’m not getting paid more than my colleagues hired around the same time as me for these extra responsibilities.

Gone are the days I can step away from my desk and get some laundry done or do some cooking prep while at work. Now I don’t even have time to take my break and I have to scarf down my lunch while continuing to work.

I keep telling myself that I have to pay my dues now to reap the benefits later on. I was hired in a new division within my company so my division is unique in that it has the feel of a startup while actually being part of an established company.

There are a lot of initiatives to take but there is a lot of room for growth and advancement. My managers have on several occasions hinted or said outright to me that there are positions that need to be filled and that I should voice my interest on projects that down the line I could head.

I’m working hard for the job security and for the promotion/pay raise that I think I will get, but of course nothing is guaranteed. While I like the work I’m doing, if I’m being completely honest, I don’t want more responsibility. I just want more pay. And with no guarantee of a bonus or a promotion, I can’t help but think am I just working hard in vain?

Side Job

When I quit my retail job to start the new job in 2020, I offered to stay per-diem, because let’s face it, I’m insecure AF and was really scared that if I hated my new job I’d at least have this safety blanket to fall back on.

I didn’t think much of it and figured I can probably say yes to taking 1 shift a month just to keep my retail knowledge fresh.

But when it seems like everyone is grinding in their daily life, working on side hustles, I fell into a case of societal pressure, feeling like I have to do it too. I knew that if I wanted to accomplish my home buying goal in 2021 I had to accelerate my savings so I decided to take more shifts.

For a month or two after I quit my full time position at the retail job, I think my boss at retail had slightly forgotten that I was still on a per-diem basis so I hadn’t been offered shifts. 

Since December, everything had changed. I have been offered too many shifts that I’ve had to reject. I think word also got around that I didn’t actually quit and am actually staying on so more of my old coworkers have been texting me to cover their weekend shifts.

Of course the FOMO in me thinks that if I keep saying no to these shifts, I will get a reputation of never accepting shifts and maybe my old manager won’t even let me stay per diem so I started accepting them more often.

Plus, I kept telling myself, I needed the money for the down payment.

Before I knew it, I’ve accepted at least one weekend shift every week leaving me with only 1 day off every week. I even had to debate whether I should say yes to working both weekend days for one of the weeks offered which would mean I’d work 14 days straight with no off days.

The only reason I said no to that is because I have made yet another commitment that has taken a life of its own.

Exercise

At the end of 2020, my friend and I went on a 5-mile trail which turned into a pact to run every weekend around this 5-mile trail for 2021. Our goal is to hit 52 days of running this trail in 2021.

From waking up, getting ready, driving to this trail, running this trail, eating lunch/hanging out with my friends after our run, coming back home, and showering, this takes up most of my day.

So needless to say, I’ve been feeling overwhelmed. The one day a week I have free seems to not be so free after all.

The introvert in me really wants to recharge all alone but I have no place to. Since I live at home, unwinding after work on the weekdays means talking to my parents and watching TV with them, rather than being on my own alone.

When the weekend comes around, I’m hit with a slurry of physical activities. I am on my feet upwards of 9 hours when I’m doing my per-diem job dealing with customers and putting my happy face on.

Then I’m hit with a 5-mile run to end my week. The fact that my pace has gotten progressively worse each week I’ve ran is probably an indication of how tired I’ve been.

To make matters worse, the overachiever in me sees my friends running multiple times a week to increase their pace and feel like I need to do the same as to not fall behind on our weekly run. So, I’ve added on some 1 to 2 mile runs 2x a week around my neighborhood to keep in shape starting last week.

When Is It Ever Enough?

I keep telling myself that all the struggle now is for my own future good. 

Buying a pricier home that will increase in value at a much faster rate than cheaper homes will stretch myself a little thin now but I’ll reap the benefits later when home value goes up.

Working extra shifts now is for my own good while I still have shifts offered to me. Taking on extra projects without complaint is good for a promotion down the line. 

Which begs the question, when is it ever enough? Will it ever be enough? 

I can’t help but think I’m completely in over my head. That seems to be a recurring theme in my life. I feel like I’ve been working hard for Future Me my entire life. When does Future Me become the present?

How long will I have to struggle like this before I can reap the benefits? Because right now, all I feel is a sense of overwhelm.

When I start thinking these thoughts, guilt starts to build up. I should feel lucky that my managers trust me enough to include me in these exclusive meetings. I should feel blessed that I have parents that are financially stable enough to lend me a helping hand because they want me to have something better than I even dared to dream.

But then questions start to come up. Do I want to owe my parents upwards of six-figure in debt to buy the kind of home that wasn’t even originally what I wanted? Do I stop taking extra shifts even if it means it’ll slow down my saving progress? What is it that I really want? 

Those are some of my thoughts for January. If you read through this entire post, thank you. I know it was a lot. Hopefully February will bring much more clarity.