“I got that summertime, summertime sadness…” is completely stuck in my head and unfortunately it describes my life right now.

I feel trapped. And apathetic. And sad. 

How’s that for a way to begin the summer? But I’m hoping that it gets better. Maybe it’s because it’s been a cloudy and rainy spring these past few months.

But summer’s here now and I’ve always been a summer girl.

Okay, but let’s backtrack and get to the issue at hand.

I feel trapped in a job that I do not like. I feel apathetic about my daily life. And I feel sad going through the motions of every day routine.

I will admit that a big part of it is because of my job. I talked about regretting my career profession and am definitely feeling the burnout.

But I think what adds to this sadness I’m already feeling is the guilt I harbor when I think about how appreciative I should be.

I have a fairly good manager (by most retail pharmacists’ standards) that don’t mind working some nights and weekends so I have a fairly good balance of weekend days off. 

Yet for the past weeks I come to work for my shift feeling like a robot. I was especially shocked by how apathetic I was to everything when I worked last week’s Saturday shift.

Maybe it was the late night Friday outing that wore me out or feeling like there were a hundred things I’d rather be doing on a Saturday than working, but all through my Saturday shift, I felt like I was just going through the motions. 

I come home and often lay in bed at times thinking is this all there is to life? 

Just going through the motions until my next day off when I can go out with friends or relax on my couch doing nothing, is this how my life is going to be all the time from now on?

I feel appreciative that I have a staff position when I meet floaters who are begging for hours. I work in a medium volume store without too much drama (but of course still crazy metrics and corporate expectations that I have to meet).

I know I am lucky to have a job when all these new pharmacy grads are coming out of school begging for one. But I still can’t help but think is this all there is to life?

I feel unsatisfied. Too often I log into Personal Capital to check on my net worth when I know nothing has changed since I last checked.

I daydream of the day I reach $0 net worth (an accomplishment when compared to my $171,000 negative net worth I was in 2 years ago).

I daydream even more of when I can pay off my debt and have the option to quit instead of being chained to my job for fear of defaulting on my loans.

I daydream about my next vacation (which likely won’t come till 2020). 

I daydream about retiring early thanks to all the FIRE (financial independence/early retirement) blogs that’s become my latest craze.

I daydream about getting my own place. Living at home in your late twenties sucks to say the least. Especially these past weeks when I’ve been going through some rough patches with my mom.

It’s nothing serious and all I can chalk it up to is the fact that our honeymoon period is over. When I first moved back home after pharmacy school, it was the first time I’d ever moved back since leaving home at 18. 

Now that 2 years have flown by (I can hardly believe it), I’m getting very angsty and for the sake of my sanity and our relationship I see myself leaving home and getting my own place in 2020.

But how can I even start thinking about buying my own place when I’m still $80,000 in debt. And with all the new pharmacy schools churning out new grads and over-saturating the already saturated market, I honestly do not feel I have job security.

But I’ve decided upon writing this that I’m going to get over it. I’m going to put on my big girl boots and stop throwing this pity party for myself.

I have a lot of debt, but at least I have a job. I’m not struggling to make ends meet just to put food on the table.

Yes I’d love to quit my job, but early retirement can be overrated and boring anyways (or so I try to tell myself).

I’d love to have my own space to call home, but I’m paying $500 in rent (literally unheard of) to live with my healthy parents that love me very much.

So all things considered, I’d say I’m pretty lucky.

My Plan

So in my efforts to combat this bout of apathy and sadness I’ve decided to create a focus on my life outside of work.

One focus is on fitness, the other on social life.

My friends and I had signed up for an October 5k run and although we deemed it as just a fun activity, I do want to use that timeline to create a goal of running the 5k nonstop. 

I’m currently able only to do a 1 mile run and nothing more so I downloaded the couch to 5k app to challenge myself.

It’s an 8 week program requiring me to run 3 times a week which realistically for me…ain’t gonna happen. 

I’m lucky to even get one workout in a month so to sustain this goal, I’m setting myself up for a twice a week workout routine. So if I fall short, I’ll still at least go once a week. 

The good news is I do have more than 8 weeks till my 5k run, so hopefully I’ll be able to accomplish this goal. If nothing else, at least it gives me something to work towards which is something I’ve been lacking since I finished school and entered the workforce.

My second focus is on my social life and letting myself enjoy the company of others. I have a tendency to get stuck in my head questioning everything about my life so I’m definitely trying to branch out of my introverted world and let others in.

Yes, social interactions usually end up costing me money on dining out and entertainment, but I’d like to think it’s worth it for the price of my sanity. So while I hate to admit it, I’ve relaxed my budget a bit in hopes that fun events will kick me back into happy mode.

I debated if I wanted to even write this depressing post but I actually feel a lot better putting my feelings out in writing. Hopefully my next update will be on a more positive note.